Best Present Ever!
by Extreme Groping
Summary: Crossover: This is what happens when your mind is warped by a seductress who's first true love was Yaoi. You end up getting her odd presents...Bondage, cross-dressing and chocolate covered demons run amock in this fic, dedicated to the Yaoi Queen!


Well at least I hope this will be the best present ever. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted to get for you for your birthday. But I finally decided what I wanted to get for you. Unfortunately for me, it was not easy for me to get it for you: 

I was in my room trying to solve the greatest mystery in the universe, when I suddenly knew what I wanted to get you for your birthday. So, I thought I would act on it. But I couldn't get it on my own.

"Q!" (I can see you sweatdrop at this; thinking, "Oh, no, this should be interesting." But please continue reading, like I said, I couldn't get it on my own.) I repeated; "Q! I know you can hear me! Come here… Please!"

"You again!? What do you want? I don't normally come to anyone who calls for me. I'm not a dog, you know… why did I come here anyway?" said the Q while frowning.

I looked at Q quizzically for a second, and then grinned, "Because I have an over-active imagination."

Q looks like he is having an aneurism, and then said (in a rather nasty tone of voice (I may have to punish him later for that)), "What do you want!?"

"Oh, yeah, um I need you to help me get to a few different places so I can get Tiffany her birthday present." I said, still smiling.

"What is it? I can probably get it for you in a quarter of a second. I don't want to waste my time here with you." Q was still sounding irritated (hmm…).

I want to get it myself; I will mean more if I actually go through some trouble to get it for her. Besides, what are you worried about time for, you are immortal, and you have the ability to travel through time. Moreover, I would be more worried about the comments in parentheses if I were you." I was still grinning, but it was a malevolent grin which made my eyes flash fire (my most impressive feat to date. And it seemed to make the Q cringe just a bit). I decided to give him a bit of time to review the text up to this point.

"Ah," said Q. "What can I do for you? Although I still don't know why I should help you…"

"Because I let you play with Hiei." I replied coolly. (He gave me a look of consideration and I took that as "good enough") "I only need your help getting from dimension to dimension."

Q was starting to look a little more intrigued, "You need to go to different dimensions just to get some girl a birthday present? Is she really worth all the trouble of inter-dimensional travel?"

I smiled at him, "She is absolutely worth it, and even more." Then I frowned "and don't refer to her as some girl," I smiled again, "That woman is the love of my life and my Fiancée."

Q sweatdrops; "Wonderful, the author is a lunatic"

Lunatic Author nods vigorously. "Well, shall we get started?"

"By all means," said the Q.

After I told Q where I wanted to go, he sent me where I needed to go. It was quite an interesting and pleasant way to travel; you feel completely weightless and surrounded by wind and light, and suddenly you are where you want to be. Q decided to lend me the power so he could stay at my house and play video games, but I think he just wanted to keep away so he could stop giving me reasons to want to punish him severely for his lack of restraint with his tongue. (After re-reading that last sentence, I wonder if Suzu will be upset with me for wanting to punish anyone for not restraining the use of their tongue.)

So I find myself in a new world. I haven't been here before, but I know where I am going. I am looking for a particular old building, with trashcans outside. I should be near it… Ah, there it is. I just have to get what I want before I get caught in the fire-fight. I look in the trash can and… there it is, right where he tossed it; Cipher's phone, right on top. I grab the device and pocket it. I make a quick trip down the street to an area that just happens to be secure from any type of eaves dropping (It's my story, it doesn't have to make much sense, and I can have as many loopholes as I want (i.e. Q)).

I open the phone, and it starts to ring just like in the movie . . I hear a voice:

"Operator…"

"Tank I need a favor," I reply quickly

"Who the hell is this and how do you know me?" Tank sounded kind of upset.

"Don't worry, I am a friend, and I just need you to upload some info into my brain, Martial Arts (real and fictitious), Meditation techniques, Acting techniques, voice acting techniques, and information on contacts in the media." I stated this so coolly and confidently that I think that it confused him a little bit.

"Who are you and why should I help you?" Tank asked this as expected; suspiciously.

"No one of consequence, I am merely a novice, sadistic fanfic author, with a very short fuse, so now please do as I ask, before I let my imagination run loose."

"Shit…. I heard about what you fanfic authors are capable of. I may not like the twins, but twincest is just wrong! Besides I don't think it will work, you need to have a connection to receive the information. "Tank sounded extremely worried.

"I don't think you have to worry about it working or not, this is my fanfic, and I know it will work, all I need to do is blink my eyes really fast and the stuff will load. But there is nothing wrong with twincest, ask Suzu, Is there anything wrong with twincest? (Check one: ( ) yes, or ( ) no(At this piont Suzu giggled as she reached into her hammerspace and withdrew a large rainbow-colored magic marker. she then priceded to scratch out the "yes"and put a large colorful checkmark with a little heart in the "no" box directly on the computer screen.)) Anyway, please just do this, and I will leave you alone, and I won't put you through anything traumtc however, if you don't do it, I will capture you and deliver you to Suzu personally. You will be nake-"

"Ok, Ok, I'll do it… upload initiating" Tank says quickly; presumably so that I will not finish my rant, sparing him from the nightmares that would have followed had I been able to finish my description of what you would have done with him.

I start rapidly blinking my eyes, and I was right; it was working. I was receiving the information and I knew that I had made the right decision on where to stop first. After I had gotten all the information that I desired, I said, "Tank that's enough… And don't you EVER interrupt me again!"

And I was gone in a flash of light and wind.

I now find myself in front of The St. Hebedeke School for Girls. "OK, now I need to get the knock-out gas. Well, I guess I have no other choice of getting in there as I am now." I have no idea why I am speaking out loud when I am perfectly capable of doing an Interior Monologue. So, instead of going in to the school right away, I need to get prepared.

So, approximately ¥20,000 and several cut-scenes (complete with embarrassing lingerie store and dressing room scenes) later, I am back in front of St. Hebedeke's. Now, I am fully dressed in drag, I am wearing a school uniform, a long dark brown wig, and I have had my make-up (including body-wax) professionally done. As a side note to the girl in my High School Drama Club, You were right; I did make a very pretty woman. So, I now feel confident enough to enter this school, and start looking for Kodachi Kuno. I entered the School, and was greeted by a security officer. He asked me to sign-in; so I did. And then he told me where I could find Kodachi. I said thanks and started to walk off when a young man came in and signed in to visit a different girl… I guess I didn't need to dress in drag to get in here. Fuck it; I still make a pretty woman.

I finally find Kodachi, so I ask her, "Miss Kuno, The Black Rose, The Rising Star of Martial Arts Gymnastics, May I ask a favor of you?"

She seems a bit shocked, "My dear Lady how is it that you know so many of my titles when I have never even met you before? Furthermore, how can you be as rude as to as to ask a favor of someone before you have introduced yourself?" Now she seemed to be a bit angry.

I thought to myself, "Now I have done it she has become defensive because I am prettier than she is." And since I was on the spot, I had to think up something quick: "You are right, that was rude of me. I should have introduced myself. I am a simple fanfic author; my name is… Suzu." (Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else to say for my pen name.) Hearing this name did have an interesting effect.

Kodachi immediately face faulted and seemed to turn a grey-ish blue color, and let out a very pathetic sound that was somewhat of a cross between a "squeak" and a "meep." It was really interesting, but now I am wondering what exactly you have done to get your reputation in this universe. …Now I am thinking of Mousse and other Bishies, and it is suddenly clear why she had that reaction. Oh, well, what's said is said. Kodachi finally regains enough composure (simply because I said so. Being a fanfic author is fun, but so far my characters have been easy to manipulate. Thanks for laying out the groundwork for me honey!) to ask me, "w-what do you want?"

I look at her as innocently as I can, and in my sweetest pseudo-schoolgirl voice I say, "Just a can of your knock-out gas."

Kodachi looks perplexed, "Is that all?" She was still drawn back, but seemed to relax a little bit after she heard my request.

I responded; still playing innocent, "That's it!"

"Well, that is a bit of an odd request, but I shall assist you." Kodachi retrieved a can from her locker and handed it to me. "Now, please, just leave as quickly as you can."

I put on a feigned look of hurt and surprise, "sniff what, don't you like me?"

Kodachi looked nervous, "Well—I—I—just meant that…"

But I never found out what it was that she meant; I had things to do.

Ok, I have gotten what I needed, and now I am almost where I need to be. Well actually I do need to get a few more things. So I go to the local convenience store, and get the few necessary items needed to complete my mission. First thing; chocolate, and lots of it! Different kinds, like little chocolate squares, and Hershey's kisses, chocolate syrup, and cocoa powder. I also found a slingshot and I knew exactly what I could use that for… Next, I just had to get with the contacts in the entertainment industry and score some hard-to-get tickets to and exclusive event, four of them. I managed to get what I needed, so now all I had to do was deliver them.

I decided to take a trip to Sariyashiki Junior High so I could get in contact with the student class president. I found Keiko in the front courtyard working with her friends; helping them correct their homework. I had to interrupt, "Hey Keiko, could I speak with you for a moment?"

She looked at me a little funny, but I guess she decided I was harmless, and said, "O.K." She got up from the table she was sharing with her friends, and walked over to me. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, actually it is what I can do for you; I was given these tickets to the (insert major sporting event here), but I can't go. I have a prior commitment. But I know that your friend Yusuke Yurameshi would really like to go. I have four tickets, so I think you could also take Kuwabara and Yukina. I would really appreciate it if you could use these tickets." I said, as "honestly" as I could.

"Wow,Yusuke has been talking about wanting to go to (insert same major sporting event here) for almost two weeks. I tried to get tickets, but they have been sold out, how did you get them?" I was glad to hear this, because I didn't need to explain how I knew them. Then she continued talking; "Wait, how do you know who we were, and why would you want to give me these?"

"Well, Yusuke helped my brother in the Dark Tournament… Don't worry I am not a demon; I am human just like you. My brother was one of those three humans that were experimented on by that big meanie Dr. Ichigaki. Yusuke and the masked fighter helped free them. So I am only all too happy to give these to him. I am just a little too shy to approach him myself , so I thought you would do this for me, just don't mention me to him, I would rather remain anonymous, or unknown, whichever sounds best." I wasn't too shy to go to him, I just didn't want to try and convince him to go out for a night of fun, and his experience would probably make him too suspicious of anything, especially a man in drag. Speaking of which, I should probably change back to normal before I try to distract Hiei and Kurama; especially Kurama. (Hiei should be easy; all I need to do is tell him not to say "Hot.")

"Oh, O.K. thanks, I am sure the four of us will be happy to go," Keiko gave a very grateful smile and bowed like the occasionally (meaning not with Yusuke) proper Japanese girl she is. Then she turned to go back to her friends. So before I left to go to Genkai's Temple. I quickly changed out of the school girl uniform and put on my regular clothes. I realized why I got the strange look from Keiko. The uniforms from St. Hebedeke look different from those at Sariyashiki Junior High. Plus even though I do make a pretty woman, I am still a 25 year old white man; so I would tend to stick out at a Japanese Junior High. Back on the road I try to figure out how I am going to capture Kurama, or should I get Hiei… (I am writing much of this as I type, so…) I guess I will do both at the same time (I know that sentence gave Yaoi fans a string of mischievous thoughts). So, since I conveniently decided to have tank upload real and fictitious Martial arts into my brain, I decided to use some of the fake ones. That's right fans; I have decided to bring out the Suzaku Seven Technique. That should be enough of me to do the job. "One, two, and three, you guys are in charge of getting Hiei. I have already had the thought of how to capture him. So you know what to do." And they immediately take off. "The four of us need to get Kurama. And I have an idea. Who has rope in their hammerspace?"

Kurama sees smoke off in Genkai's Forest, so obviously he went to check it out. Once he was near the source he could obviously feel my energy and shortly saw me I was sitting at the fire roasting marshmallows having a good time when the red-headed boy spoke, "Excuse me, but how did you get in this forest?"

"I walked"

"But didn't you run into ancient creatures and demons coming through?" he asked, shocked that I was so calm in such a lethal forest.

"Sure I did, but I told them that I was busy, and had other objectives in this forest… other than fighting them,"

"What other objectives?" Kurama seemed defensive at this question. But I did not need to reply; four, five, and six answered that by throwing a net on him, then the four of us rushed him and bound his arms and legs. We removed the net and tied him to a tree, "Sorry about your clothes, but I need to keep you out of the way for a while." With that, I proceeded to cut Kurama's clothes off.

Meanwhile in another part of the forest, one, two, and three were placing chocolate kisses in a trail. At one end a very road-runner cartoon like scene. A big plate with chocolate on it lying in the middle of the ground; next to that, and arrow pointing down accompanied by a sign that says, "Kourimes eat free!"

Hiei finds the plate and decides to try the interesting food… he likes it, and then notices the trail of Hershey's Kisses, and decides to follow; eating every piece of chocolate, finding his way to…

Chocolate flavored Kurama!!! (Sorry Tiffany, this is not your birthday present)

Of course we all know that chocolate is a very powerful aphrodisiac for Kourimes, so now we know Lunatic Author was planning to keep those two distracted. (Sorry Tiffany, this isn't your gift either, remember I haven't used the knockout gas yet?)

Speaking of which, I think it is time I started using those advanced meditation techniques. So I do. Well, first I disengage the Suzaku Seven Technique. Then, I meditate so well that I am able to astrally project. I continue doing this until I hear a voice, "are you dead?" she is unsure because my "ghost" is only floating about two inches above my body.

Once I hear Botan's voice, I drop back into my body, open my eyes and say, "nope" and then I spray the Pirate of the River Styx in the face with the knockout gas. "Sorry Botan, but I needed to borrow your oar."

So I make my way into the Spirit Realm and make my way through King Yama's Castle. I had to fight a few of the ogres, but most of them are only paper-pushers, so they were pretty easy to deal with. I was a little worried about George, but I figured I would just send him on a little vacation; after all I do still have Q's teleportation power. So I finally make it to Koenma's office George wasn't even there, Koenma was getting a massage. So this is what he does between cases. I quietly motion for the masseuse to leave so that I could have a few words with Jr. The young ogress looks shocked to see me, but decided to oblige my silent request. I sneak over and continue the massage. He doesn't seem to notice. But he did say, "More oil." So, what could I do but give the prince what he wanted. So I applied a bit more oil and continued the massage. He seemed to like it a lot. Actually, he started to snore (that was unexpected). Since he was being so cooperative, I decided to take advantage of this situation and wrap him up for you Tiffany. Once I had him secure I teleported us to your front door. I knocked, and waited for you to answer.

When you opened the door, you were greeted by an unusually hairless Josh; dressed normally, but holding a leash out to you. Attached to the leash was a white loincloth-clad Koenma with his hands bound in black artificial leather cuffs, a bright red ball on a black cord in his mouth, and a bright purple card on his chest that says, "For Tiffany, Happy Birthday, and Love Joshua."

I say, "Happy Birthday Honey, Now that you have the two of us what do you want to do? But I must warn you, if you don't use us both, I may just play with him myself when I take him home. Of course I won't take him home until you are done with him." Koenma groans a little, "Don't worry about that, he does that from tome to time."

And now Suzu, the rest is up to you. Happy Birthday, I love you!!!


End file.
